Comfortably Numb

My friend is going to jail. He is not my client or an acquaintance, but a person in my life who I have known for many years. Someone who I know to be a good person and a reliable friend. I believe he is innocent of the crime was charged with. But rather than go to trial, he decided to take a deal. A conviction at trial could have landed him in prison. With the plea bargain he will spend about twenty days in a local county jail. Then he will serve a term of probation. He stands convicted of a misdemeanor.

I told him to take the deal because I was afraid for him. I wasn't thinking like a defense lawyer when I gave him that advice. I was not his lawyer. But I can't help feeling like I failed as a lawyer, and a friend. The fact is that in my practice, I very frequently advise my clients to fight and go to trial. Rarely because they are innocent, but because the government's case stinks. I know the risks involved but I temper the risk with the confidence that we will win. I worry about being prepared rather than focusing on the fear of loss.

Here is my friend's story: About a year and a half ago, he was in the process of moving out of an apartment. He did not sign a lease and was being asked to leave after about a half year's residency. A new owner bought the building. He was pretty pissed off. I recall getting a call from him regarding his legal rights as a tenant. I told him he had to go. He made some threatening comments to the landlord but eventually and in a timely fashion found a new place, packed up his stuff, and moved out.

With most of his belongings gone from the apartment, my friend locked his dog in one night and went to a party. A couple hours after leaving he got a call telling him the building was on fire. After arriving at the building, he watched fireman haul the body of his dead dog out of the building. It was a horrible scene.

Shortly after, my friend asked me to talk to a police investigator who suspected him of starting the fire that killed his dog. The investigator wanted him to take a polygraph. I told the investigator no. A year later, my friend was indicted by a grand jury for arson and the intentional killing of his dog. He was arrested by a SWAT team that stormed his home and locked him up in the county jail.

When I heard the news I went to see him in jail. When I visited him I had every intention of defending him till the end of the day. I know my friend did not set the fire. I know that because first and foremost he loved his dog dearly. I know how much he cared for his dog, (and other dogs he has owned over the years), and I know this from firsthand knowledge. There is no way he would have jeopardized his dog's safety to get back at an asshole landlord, and commit felonies in the process. I told him there is no way a jury would buy the government's case. My friend may be rough around the edges, but he is not a lunatic I thought to myself. And most importantly, where in god's name was the motive for this act? Ample evidence exists to demonstrate my friend's love for his dog. I envisioned marching in witness after witness who would testify to the kindness and compassion my friend has demonstrated to his pets and people over the years.

When I saw him in jail, I didn't think twice about the fact that I would be defending him. I appeared at the bail hearing. The DA wanted 15k and I knocked it down 10k. Not a big deal. A reporter from the local paper asked me some questions and ran a story. I was quoted in the paper testifying to my friendship and knowledge of my friend's character. When I got to the courthouse I found my friend's appointed lawyer and discussed the case with him. Reality quickly set in and I found myself thinking like a lawyer and not a friend. I realized that I was about to take on a legal responsibility that I may not be paid for. I would have to find an expert witness as this was an arson case. I started calculating hours and costs in my head and realized the cost of this defense. (Sadly, my pro-bono account is overdrawn). I also realized the possible ethical pitfalls of defending someone who I have an emotional attachment to. I decided I was making a poor decision. I told my friend he was in good hands and walked away.

Did I do the right thing? I will never know the answer to that but I have learned something about myself through this experience. After doing this work for a few years, a criminal defense attorney will see many clients in jail. When I first started in practice, if I had a client in jail for any reason, I could think about nothing other than getting them out. To me, that was the essence of my job; to keep people out of jail. It was an obsession. But today, I know that there are times when there is nothing you can do about a client in jail or prison. So I brush the emotional horror that a client is incarcerated aside and go on about my work. But I think that is an error on my part.

My whole point of this post was initially to reflect on my now realized indifference toward incarcerated clients (and friends for that matter). To me, there is only one fate secondary in nature to death. That is incarceration. The next time I hear someone comment about how prisoners enjoy a cushy lifestyle, I might deliver an earful. A prisoner, whether in jail or prison, is stripped of everything that defines a person as a human being. You have to fight for your soul and sanity when incarcerated. There is no such thing as an individual in jail. You are a number. And nobody really cares about you. Incarceration is purgatory.

I have become numb to the dismay that comes along with watching a client, or someone you care about do time. The numbness is my personal defense. If I worried like I am inclined to about incarceration, I would drive myself crazy. And I have work to do and responsibilities to focus on. But with a friend going to jail (for a crime he did not commit), I think it is necessary that I let my emotions bubble up a bit. I owe it to my clients. And now, in the prolific words of the band Pink Floyd:

Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

(solo)

I have become comfortably numb.

O. K.
Just a little pin prick.
There'll be no more aaaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe its working good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

Pink Floyd